


Futile Execution

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, Sadie (Band)
Genre: Idolization, M/M, Religion, Self-Harm, Sex Toys, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-25
Updated: 2008-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-14 00:47:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mao's taken a leap over the cliff of sanity. No one's there to pull him back, to anchor him in reality. God's playing cruel tricks, playing with his life. Desperate to take it away, always failing, just like everything else. There is no hope... or is there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Futile Execution

**Author's Note:**

> There's implications of... odd things in this. If you catch it, good. If you don't, it's probably better that way. If you're lost, just ask and I'll explain. Then you'll find me just as much of a freak as my version of Mao. I just have to say... this is all so very _very_ wrong....  
>  For prompt_rotation prompt 0003: Execution.  
> Done for the modified drabble / short fic meme.  
>  _Rules:_  
>  1\. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like per song. (It can be the same for all or different.)  
> 2\. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle (or choose 10 songs you like and want to use to inspire yourself).  
> 3\. Write a drabble/short fic related to each song that plays. You can put the song on repeat to finish the drabble/short fic if you have to (or want to). The song can only repeat 5 times maximum.  
> 4\. Repeat this 10 times and then post your results!  
> Song: "Wasteland" by 10 Years

Inhibitions dropped, lies sheltered by false intentions. Is it a sure thing or a counterfeit pretense? Maybe it shouldn't have been like this. Maybe it should have been something else entirely. Covered in good intentions, peppered with the remains of something innocent. Such a wasteland, falling through the cracks into random abyss. Shouldn't the trust be more?

Perhaps if these wounds dig deeper, reality will flow out. Certainty spilling from my veins, marring actuality in crimson waves. There's something intellectual about the way each droplet falls, the silent journey from wrist to floorboard.

Hidden meanings stuck inside. Fear of what is and what isn't. The cause is the solution. Imminent perception. Digging my grave deeper with every line. Gentle caress withering away everything. Best of intentions, overshadowed by failure... my failure, your failure, the failure of the human race as one. Taking a burden on that isn't my own, and yet it's acceptable like this.

Burdens so heavy, defying everything in a silhouette of angry black. Streaks of impropriety stroked across the mirror, drawn by dying fingers. Isn't this everything we've ever imagined? Or maybe it's just my desire, my own hallucination shooting out through the fractures I weave upon myself.

Water trickles over the rigid plains of your body, tracing paths I've never dared to follow. It's all about you, never about me. Living under you, around you, never beside you or in your vision. I'd change it all if I could, push myself into the forefront of your view, but even I'm not enough of a duplicate soul. Try as I might, I'm only a reproduction, a second pressing. So far away from the real thing that I can't even grasp your hand two feet in front of me.

Saline washes away memory, flowing rivers of agonizing self-scrutiny. A second-rate amateur compared to the first class vision. Dull pain slides into a caressing touch, the metal against my skin is so sweet. This is my hell, my heaven, and my sacrifice. Every drop falls as tears from my veins, falling only for you.

Is this the truest of your intentions? Forcing such an incredible scene from my fingers? You've done it, it's all about you. Never about me.

Cold fingers slide into place, piercing and turning, forcing everything out from the inside. Icy intolerance flying from your eyes. Such a fucking hypocrite. You've been where I'm crawling, at the feet of someone else, working from them to be your own, and yet you deny me everything. Judgmental replies and oppressive acts, forcing meaningless words from my fingertips. You've rendered me incapable of all that I do, all that I am, and all that I could be. I'm just a purposeless freak, left in your wake.

Breathless and falling, it's the coming end of nothing. I am nothing anymore. You have made me into naught. Existence isn't meaningful enough to make up for all that I've lost, all that's fallen from my fingertips. Grasping in every direction, wondering which is right, finding all are wrong. No matter how you spin the ball, it's always a sphere. No magic to coat bitter innocence.

You were my last hope, my final attempt. And yet, here I sit, falling apart on your floor, and you don't even notice. Silent as the death that you must be. A reactionless freak. Your eyes stare glassily at the wall in front of you, your chest not even rising or falling with life. Cold, lifeless, another piece of my agony, a plastic show of my flaws. Fake, just like everything else in this life.

Flashing steel, falling life. A final act, lost in a sea of desperation. At a loss in the hunt for what is real and what is not. Too far gone off the deep end to find my way back. A planet lost despite being right under the prying eyes of every scientist in existence. I'm lost, just like it, right under your eyes. A simple turn, a coin tossed and fallen on edge. Decisions never made and secrets always kept.

The softest of sounds, a gentle clink of metal against marble. Sweetest sound of finality. Am I all that you dug out of yourself and threw away? Perhaps that's my problem, the reason for my lack of vitality. Why I'll never be anything more. Just a pile of discarded pieces of you.

Hazy visions, suffocating acceptance. Heavy subjugation, fatal execution. Something more morbid than all of the blood stained surroundings, grasped in my hands. Smooth lines and perfectly sculpted pieces. A masterpiece among fools. Extension of God.

A single flick and a dull click. The first pull and nothing but a thump. Cruel reality of playing this game alone. A bitter laugh, hollow and obnoxious, growing in volume with every action. A second click and another pull, still nothing but certainty standing in front of me. God is laughing.

A third time, a desperate try. Trails of tears falling heavily, rivers turned to oceans. Salt in my mouth, bile in my throat. A flinch that shouldn't belong, resolution fading. Find me Perdition before it's too late. Empty chamber and an aching throb in my temple. There is no god.

Angry laughter, flying bitterly from my mouth. An accusing stare in the mirror, beliefs crushed under foot. A trip down memory lane, forcing acceptance. Ignorance to the past, showing blinding realization in malfunction. Life played with and regretted. The ever-lasting light bulb everyone wants to change.

Harsh reality and two final clicks. The first brings more pain and the second so close to true agony. A hand: falling, stretching, taking. Roofing falling away, smattering the ground with its truth. Where is this aimless God? Only He could manage such an impossible task, taking away my final escape plan in such a way.

My eyes search and find... my other half. The one I idolize and repeat after so often. Hand wrapped firmly around mine, eyes full of more pain than my own. Anger and confusion laced so carefully upon features.

It is simple. The truth is staring me in the face. You are God. The embodiment of all that I am, all that I could be. Taking away my free will and forcing me to stay where I am.

I lower my eyes and pull my finger from the trigger. Whatever the brand of punishment He sees fit, I will accept. I have betrayed You. A succinct decision, framing reality in a silver ring. Catch my falling body as I sink in despair. Do You understand my love or does it even matter?

Breath catching harshly, pulling free a cry of displeasure. Blameless ignorance. You crouch before me, fingers tracing over my self-inflicted authenticity. Your touch soothes, corrects, empowers - forcing me whole again. The softest glow, forcing out death and breathing in life. Truth wrapped in seeming immortality.

Lips forcing a gentle sweep, showing more than words ever could. Breathless confession, leaving me, falling on Your ears. Praise so deeply imbedded it'll never be forgotten. A sentiment returned - and then I'm falling. Fading away with Your arms wrapped around me. So careless, the device of my destruction left unaltered.

Warmth filling me and then the knowledge that You won't let me leave. A tug to stay here and I just let myself fall into sleep instead of the beckoning darkness. The commandments left to me by You, something to follow and keep. _You_ are my God.

**The End**  



End file.
